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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Women's Articles

My chess folks...will be back moving tomorrow and running my team. I think my head is right enough to contemplate moves again...trust me, what happened in my house I would NEVER wish on a parent with a daughter. So I trudge on and try to make you laugh to keep my sanity.

Shelly somehow won a subscription to "Shape" magazine...we have no clue how...but I actually sat down with one and was perusing through it and found myself laughing so hard that she took it away. I of course stole it back to make this post.

I have no damn clue what women they find to write some of these articles, but lord they should either check some credentials or at least some brain cells...the first "article" I hold in question:

12 Simple Ways To Have Better Sex Tonight

Before I get into her ideas all I have to say is ladies just get naked and talk dirty...we like that. And guess what? If you keep it up after the first time it's even better the second!! We are simple creatures...it ain't that damn complicated.

One more disclaimer...she highlights her sections, so when I read them, as a man, the first thought from what she said screams out at me...so please understand.

1. Wash Away Your Worries

Dave thought...damn right!! Get in there and scrub that stinky thing!! I don't eat off a dirty plate!!

Her thought...take a bath and use a product that they advertise for $19 that I guess makes ya less stinky and contains "gonadotropin"...some kinda libido shit...but more or less buy this damn product.

2. Be In The Moment

Dave thought...we are ALWAYS "in the moment" you dumbass!! If you are sticking pizza rolls in the damn microwave you are in a "moment"! Need to write to her and explain the philosophy of "time".

Her thought...buy a book from some Phd from Indiana that tells you to ( and I swaer to God this is what it says ) "Start by sitting quietly for 10 minutes every morning, concentrating on your breath as it enters and leaves your body".

What in the living hell does that have to do with getting good nookie at night?? I mean nothing says I love you like sex in the morning...but damn! When I wake up with something stiff I am really hoping to find my wife right next to me to help me out rather than searching the house and find her sitting like Ghandi!

Please be forewarned...this one fucked me up on first thought...if you are squeamish please skip!

3. Say "Yes" To Cheese

Dave thought...HOLY SHIT!!! I say NO TO CHEESE!!! Get some Monistat 7 ya nasty ass!!!!

Her thought...buy another book by some woman who thinks eathing cheese...brie, whatever the hell that crap is ( us rednecks know american, swiss, and pray we NEVER see "fromunda"!!! ) and it contains some good chemicals and shit.

4. Pop Open Some Bubbly

Dave thought...real men don't drink champagne except one New Year's Eve...and that is because ya'll make us do it.

Her thought...get drunk!!

Hey!! We been using that tactic FOREVER!!! No woman needs a magazine to tell her that drinking booze makes for "better sex"! Well maybe not "better"...most of the time it's opening the car door to find your left shoe kinda sex but we are always ok with that!!

Ok folks I gotta break this into 3 parts...so there is the first 4.

Untill then...anoohter look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Retardation

I would like to apologize to my followers for not posting as of late. Most of you know what is happening at my house and I will do a full post on that pretty soon. Untill then I need to lash out about a few things...and hopefully entertain ya.

Somebody said it before me, but I always love to reiterate this one quote, "You have to take a test to drive a car, or pass school, or get a job...but they will let any idiot have a kid".

Folks, I am getting REALLY tired of the stupidity I am dealing with on a daily basis. I wish I had the finger power to sit here and type everything that I would like to...but this is a blog...not a damn novel. That my friends is almost in the works. And speaking of "blogs"...hell anyone can do one of these...now whether you read it or not is up to you. But if you do that stupid facebook crap...you have to read whatever the idiots that you allow on yours write. Case in point...this was on Shelly's:

Beware of those who announce to "Soar like Eagles" for they are the real "Turkey's" ......Eagles do not soar to be above others, but to better view the beautiful things they are a part of......Never selfish but selfless!

This has got to be the one of the dumbest things that some idiots forward in emails and cell phone messages. First off eagles are pretty much the highest on the food chain when it comes to birds. They "soar above" right before they come down and snatch your fucking cat. "Turkey's" have only two uses...holiday dinner and in between my fucking bread at lunch time. "Never selfish but selfless"...tell that to the rabbit that is getting ripped apart because his ass wasn't looking up!

Why don't people actually READ shit before they post it??? Or are they just too stupid and think "Wow!! That is really good! I bet others will read this and it will enlighten their day".

If that thought actually goes through some idiot's mind before they post this mindless drivel for me to actually have to sit and write this crap they should be locked into a porta potty and shoved off a cliff.

Seriously...if some dumb bastard was having a bad day and felt like slicing his wrists or guggling down a gallon of disinfectant, does this poster actually think this statement might change his mind? I would actually hope the reader who was having bad probs would have a whole new outlook on life and tell the dumbass that he is the one who should quit sniffing glue before be cuts and pastes retarded shit like that. And God forbid if it was an original thought...but some asshole came up with it...I hope he chokes on a golf ball.

Another thing about facebook ( I do not have an account...my wife does ) that is beyond stupid. All the messages that this person is now friends with this other person.

Who gives a fuck! How does that improve my life? I mean is it a celebration? Should I send a box of JujyFruits?? Or do I get a blowjob or some coupons to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Why in hell do I have to know that Julie and Stella are now friends? I swear I sat for about 10 minutes looking over Shelly's shit on facebook and I would rather have a rectal exam than tell people that facebook is part of my daily activities.

I have another piece to do that deals with a woman's magazine...that for some odd reason Shelly won a subscription to...but will tackle that on another day. But guys...if ya get a chance...seriously sit down and read the shit these women write in these things that are "supposed to help them understand us". It's enough to either make you laugh and look at your girl/wife and say "Do you actually believe this stupid shit??" or stick a fork in the toaster to stop the pain.

Untill then...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Monday, July 12, 2010

Random Thoughts 7-12-10

Just got a buncha crap running around my head and don't really have a good title for this post so since most of my thoughts are quite random ( i.e "Baby you look so good today, that dress...hey a quarter! ) I figured that would do. Hmmm...maybe my thoughts aren't random...oh well my ADD is I guess.

One of the bits I do on stage deals with stupid people over the course of time. For some odd reason I always see the first thing to happen alot of times to involve two rednecks...so think in your best Jeff Foxworthy voice ( or mine for that matter ) when reading some of these.

The first lobster caught:

"Dang Bill! What in the hell is that?"
"I dunno...but you reckon we could eat it?"

I have always wondered about that one...my first impulse would have been to smash the fucker with an oar.

First settlers to see the Rockies:

"Dang Bill! What in the hell we gonna do now?"
"Well...looks like home sweet home to me right here"

That one also applied to a settler if he was too stupid to fix that broken wagon wheel. Have you ever been in the country and seen that wagon wheel in the front yard?? A-ha!!

I also got to thinking that the only good thing that stupid people can enjoy...well besides watching the bug zapper for entertainment...is a magic act.

"Dang Bill! Where in the hell did that rabbit come from?"
"I dunno but I'm calling the cops! He just cut that bitch in half!"

It's thoughts like these that keep me awake at night and bother Shelly. But that stream of consciousness will take you alot of places if you let it. I was asleep and dreaming about Mary Ann off of Gilligan's Island and Ginger hopped in and right before anything good happened my mind slipped over and looked at Gilligan and thought, "Ya know...after you screwed up the rescue for just the second time I would have killed your ass and then we would all be..." And then I woke up with that epiphany and woke Shelly up to relay this awesome piece of info that I had come up with a 3 am.

Lesson to other married people...unless you think they may want sex at 3 in the morning...don't wake them up. My brilliant thought on a show from the 1970's did not go over to well.

Untill next time...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Friday, July 9, 2010

Newscast

Well folks LeBron james FINALLY told us where he was going...and of course I was wrong. Chicago seemed like the best pick, but oh well. Funny thing about all of this, is that before "The Decision" all anyone could talk about was LeBron...and now after it's STLL all they can fucking talk about. It's enough to make you chew your own damn foot off.

So since the ONLY news seems to LeBron...I thought I would pay a little tribute to George Carlin and do one of his newscasts. Most all of these are his, a few are mine, and a few are his that I modified.

So enjoy reading something that has NOTHING to do with LeBron James.

Welcome to Askewed News with your host Dave Baker!!! Take it away Dave!

Thank you Buffy...ok let's first look at the headlines:

"21 killed in 21 gun salute"

"Off duty policeman was killed by an on duty criminal"

"And a Milwaukee man was arrested Thursday for attempting to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni and cheese"

If that ain't nutty I don't know what is! Ok here some of our major stories

"A Denver man was arrested early this morning for trying to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank"

Wonder if he tried to use the "vacuum sytem" like they have for the drive thru at the bank

"Santa Fe Blvd. was the scene of a freak accident when 6 freaks in a camper crashed into 3 freaks in a van".

"Medical researchers in Texas have discovered a disease which has no symptoms! It is impossible to detect and has no cure...fortunately it has been confined to San Marcos".

Glad to hear they are keepin it for themselves!

"Right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina at the Carowinds amusement park, 27 people suffered 12 hours of continued whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil highjacked a rollercoaster".

"In downtown Denver this morning a passenger shot 6 people on the downtown bus, then asked for a transfer and shot 6 people on the crosstown bus. Due to this incident RTD is dicontinuing the transfer system".

"News from the capital, a spokesman for the Obama administration has said that many dead people are only really sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits".

That sounds like something that asshole would say!

"The same spokesperson when asked what the real problem with healthcare was answered, 'People are just living too long! And it is damn hard to kill yourself by locking up in the garage with the car running when you own a Prius' ".

"Here are the results of the latest Gallup Poll:
48% of the people were not home.
32% of the people made believe they were not home and
20% of the people have no front door".

"Out on Kentucky Lake this past Thursday, police arrested a one armed man who was bothering other boaters by continuosly rowing in a circle".

"Scientists in Buenos Aires announced yesterday that they have discovered a cure for apathy...so far though no one gives a fuck".

"And this just in...a man who was attempting to walk around the world...drowned today!"

Once again a look into the mind of YOUR ( with some help from George...we miss you ) friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Sports Again?

Yeah...but I feel the urge to binge and purge on the latest development that has arisen with what will be known as the "NFL's Biggest Bust"...JaMarcus Russel.

First off the idiot scored I think a 12 on the Wunderlik test...and folks...that ain't good. I mean that is the equivalent of that one weird kid in your elementary school class that licked the chalkboard and shit on the school bus.

But the big ass bastard could throw 70 yards from his knees. This of course got Al Davis ( the owner of the Oakland Raiders) drooling...anything done from the knees is good with him and this 270lb sack of shit was drafted #1.

He held out for a ton of cash and then didn't want to play. Didn't want to study game film...he was just there to get paid.

Took the stupid fuckers 3 seasons before they finally let him go. And of course now we find out he has an issue besides just plain old stupidity.

Apparently cough syrup with codeine makes for quite the tasty drink when ya mix it with Sprite and Jolly Ranchers. Hey Ed those are hard candies that are popular over here in the states...I call 'em "Gay Farmers".

Cocaine, Crack, Heroin, Marijuana, damn some Jim Beam!! Nope!! Gonna get fucked up off crap kids refuse to touch cause it tastes like dog shit.

Now I know what you are thinking..."how do you know what dog shit tastes like?" Well I was married twice before and I swear one of their attempts at cooking was so bad the flies in our back yard chipped in to get the screen door fixed. It might not have "literally" been dog shit...but I think it ran a close second.

And you have to have a prescription to get this shit! How does that work? Every two days, "Screw the liquor store...somebody give me a cold so I can cough alot!".

You would think that geting some vicadin and just drinking a 12 pack would suffice. But apparently this shit is BEYOND addictive...like fried chicken or dreams of Sandra Bullock naked.

Hey! You idiots at the NFL! If the boy can't figure out more than 3 problems on a test he is stupid! He ain't gonna do you no good and will most likely embarass you!! So don't draft him so he can get a good job making sure the napkins and the ketchup are always in the bag!!

Till next time...a look into the pissed off mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.

Dave

Monday, July 5, 2010

Oil Problem

Guys I was listening to George last night ( www.coasttocoastam.com ) and this BP clusterfuck is BEYOND alot worse than what the media is telling us...well what they are allowed to tell us. From what they were saying is that the media is getting $40k fines for getting around 65 feet from anything out there.

This thing is putting out 40% methane gas along with a lot of other bad shit and that it is a ticking time bomb. The people that are on the boat that is trying to drill the relief well are having to wear gas masks or they will die. The people on the coast have no clue that they are breathing this shit in and although it won't kill them right off the bat...but apparently the benzine that is mixed in with the methane and all...well just wait...in about a year alot of these people are gonna be diagnosed with cancer. And God knows what is going to happen if we have a hurricane or even a tropical storm hit this shit.

Folks I love a good conspiracy theory just as much as anyone else. Oswald didn't kill Kennedy, We didn't land on the moon the first time, and Bert and Ernie are gay...they just use seperate bads to fool us...but this isn't one of those. This is some real bad shit of epic proportions.

I am hoping my buddy Tort will post some stuff on here that he has found out...he can explain shit alot better than I can when it comes to techological crap. And if not here hopefully on the WAMAH site...http://wamah.myfreeforum.org/index.php

But do some research guys and see what all you can find out too, the website of the guy who was reporting all of this, http://www.enterprisemission.com/

It seems more on space stuff then this...but the guy really sounds like he knows what he is talking about.

Till next time, when I hope to have something funny to talk about...but my blog is for information as well as making ya laugh.

Dave

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Latest Works

First off guys...thanks for the comments on the last couple of posts. Hell it makes me feel that I am actually touching a nerve or reaching out or maybe I might just know what in the hell I am talking about.

That keeps the dream of me getting on the radio alive. Typing this crap takes to long...I can run my mouth about this shit for a good 2 hour show a day. And of course touch on other topics as well.

Have ya'll noticed I have stayed off of politics so far? Gonna keep it that way till I find something beyond stupid to really have fun with. I know...it's been beyond stupid for awhile Dave!! Trust me...that iceberg has got alot of weight.

Ok...well maybe a few know, lord I have 3 damn followers who are on my team...the other one is my wife...talk about fishing in the tank at the Dr's office. They will kick your ass out for that...HMO don't cover a prostate exam and taking home that pretty tigerfish. But at least let me shout out to you all.

Eduardo lives in Buenos Aires and has a sailboat. Hey Ash...your john boat out on the pond ain't got nothing on my buddy. He is also a psychiatrist...so far he thinks my problem deals with my lifelong fear of wallpaper. Or something along those lines.

Phil...the whiskeyrebel...who somehow became "paul" on here ( what?? ) is a published author and I swear the one man who gets it besides me...and of course since Carlin died.

Tiger...Ash...my buddy for too many years and the man who saved me from going to jail alot by beating up drunk asses because they couldn't deal with us in pool. In APA...I am a solid 5...Ash is a 7...chess...well...pool...he'll take your rent money.

Shelly...the wife. Published poet. And so far the only woman who understands me...thank God for medication.

I have been really wanting to sit down and work on my book...but orders have slowed me down on that. Not only orders...but I keep looking at shit and wanting to do something with it. That is what happened today.

I am getting two more forks glued for Shelly's family and I had to go into one of my drawers for another grinding wheel and saw this huge old file. Not a file you put papers in...a metal file. And I thought about an article I read in Blade magazine about a knifesmith starting out making knives out of files. So guess what? I ground it down...edged it up...and then slapped a handle on it!! Will be ready for display by Monday. I did a "sheepsfoot" pattern...kinda like a drop point for my first one. The wood is that really cool "lignum vitae". It turns blue...never seen anything like it...Ash has a knife with it.

Oh well...just kinda informative post tonight...will try and make ya'll laugh again soon.

Dave