I know...pretty obscure topic for a blog post but when I get into it you will hopefully understand.
A few of you know my plight as of late and how I could almost chug down a gallon of disinfectant rather than put up with the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Your life sucks? Please come see the hell I am in. After about 30 minutes you will hug your wife, call your parents, and have no more temptations to kick the cat into the floor fan.
Why I am writing this post is because of a term that popped into my head that I had heard before, thought I really knew what it was, was dumb enough to believe it was true, and now consider the disinfectant or Mr. Bubble along with the toaster might make for the nice bathtub trip.
The term is: Unconditional Love
Have you heard of this shit? Have you been brain dead enough to believe in this shit? Well then maybe I can help you out with this one.
IT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST!!!!
Okay maybe that was too harsh. It doesn't exist for HER!!! You on the other hand will have to love her even if she saws off your balls with a swiss army knife.
That shit scares me. New note to all. Cut off my dick and yes I am going to bleed to death but not before I catch you and bash your brains in with that Scooby Doo chia fucker you bought. Yes darling..."unconditional love" means we spend the afterlife together...apparently me dickless and you with hair that needs to be watered.
Sorry, I guess that was a little morbid. But that is "unconditional love". No matter what happens you HAVE to love her.
"Ohhh babe...so the wreck made the car catch on fire and it burnt up your crotch? Damn...so no more sex huh? Well we could still do the back d...oh hell that got burnt too. Damn babe. Oh and your lips are gone now so I guess that you can't do....yeah I understand. And your hands don't work anymore so I am gonna have to....oh NO babe I don't want anyone else!"
Needless to say the guy will stay. Now different scenario...
"Oh honey you got laid off? Well thats ok...except for who the fuck is going to pay for my hair appointment this week? And what about my nails? Look you broke motherfucker you need to just get to walking so I can have a man who actually loves me!"
There is no "unconditional love" folks. Trust me...there are "conditions".
Once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.
Dave
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Quick Thought on Charities
Ok folks...I know I should finish the wonderful woman's article but just wanted to touch base on a few things.
First off I have been looking at a few charities that I think we should all take part in. First off George Carlin put me on a few that I think rate right up there with the Lung Cancer Society, the ASPCA, and of course the Jimmy V Foundation.
Beer Nuts. Now this might be thought of as the disease of Milwaukee, but I promise you folks this is starting to hit the major cities. If you have been out drinking and come home and cannot satisfy the wife that night...well my friend you might be suffering from Beer Nuts! They have a display behind the bar...i do believe we should all do our part and give to this so they can find a cure.
Cotton Balls
Apparently the final stage of Beer Nuts.
Now although I do endorse all of you to give to those...I myself have been looking into the St.Louis Chapter for the Totally Fucked. They seem to have quite a few incurable diseases over there...but I am thinking there needs to be some research on "frothing at the crotch". I think we need to help those poor people.
Till next time...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic
Dave
First off I have been looking at a few charities that I think we should all take part in. First off George Carlin put me on a few that I think rate right up there with the Lung Cancer Society, the ASPCA, and of course the Jimmy V Foundation.
Beer Nuts. Now this might be thought of as the disease of Milwaukee, but I promise you folks this is starting to hit the major cities. If you have been out drinking and come home and cannot satisfy the wife that night...well my friend you might be suffering from Beer Nuts! They have a display behind the bar...i do believe we should all do our part and give to this so they can find a cure.
Cotton Balls
Apparently the final stage of Beer Nuts.
Now although I do endorse all of you to give to those...I myself have been looking into the St.Louis Chapter for the Totally Fucked. They seem to have quite a few incurable diseases over there...but I am thinking there needs to be some research on "frothing at the crotch". I think we need to help those poor people.
Till next time...once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic
Dave
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Women's Article Part 2
Yes folks Dave has returned to the hell that the wife refers to as "home". I am back in a wonderful embrace of her love while also trying to figure out how a 16 year old can actually be so damn stupid. Well she isn't relly "dumb"...just lost her sense of decent navigation. Stupid fucking Girl Scouts...sell some god damn cookies but can't teach girls how to not say yes to the first idiot they run across that promises them all the fun and prizes.
Hey dipshits! The man behind the curtain is a LOSER!!!!
Ok...sorry...had to get that out of my system.
Allright when I last left you on this topic we were dealing with another woman that has the brain power of oatmeal who writes shit to make other women happy. Apparently they all share that same mental equivalency. So let's dive into the next 4 things she has to say on the topic:
12 Simple ways to Have Better Sex Tonight
5. Strike a Pose Together
Dave thought...Huh? This bitch wants me to hop back into the 80's and "vogue" with my woman? No...sorry...that is a part of the 80's that should be dead. Strike a pose? Yeah...bend over the couch and I'll take a pic while I am...well...you know.
Her thought...actually I like what she says here, "Bending your body into different postions makes you stronger and more flexible, which can lead to better sex". Then she fucks it up by telling the woman to sign the guy up for yoga lessons too.
Gals...if you can bend over enough to lick your own crotch then I promise you...we will be MORE than happy. We don't need yoga...maybe some Viagra to make sure we can keep going for all of the positions you can bend into...but that's about it.
6. Pick Up The Phone
Dave thought...Hell Yeah!! This ain't no game show baby but you can phone a friend...as long as she is female and isn't so big that she has her own zip code.
Her thought...don't do "sexting" which I guess is sending nasty thoughts through text messages...talk dirty on the phone.
Women...look...we want dirty talk in person. On the phone is shit. Nobody has alot of fun playing with themselves while the other is saying nasty crap. Just come over...grab us by the back of the hair and say, "I want you to fuck the shit outta me".
Trust me...ALOT better results
7. Try Some New Products
Dave thought...ok...cause trust me babe just because it is called "Easy Off" doesn't mean it works in the bedroom.
Her thought...well pretty simple...by some KY jelly crap and see what happens.
Never understood why that stuff is named after the state I grew up in.
8. Skip the Small Talk
Dave thought...sure! If you want sex...just do it...talk is cheap anyway.
Her thought...Buy some stupid crap called "Lifestories" for $30 off of Amazon.
Well folks...that is all I can muster up tonight...9-12 coming soon. But guys please tell your women that these magazines are pointless!!
Untill then, once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.
Dave
Hey dipshits! The man behind the curtain is a LOSER!!!!
Ok...sorry...had to get that out of my system.
Allright when I last left you on this topic we were dealing with another woman that has the brain power of oatmeal who writes shit to make other women happy. Apparently they all share that same mental equivalency. So let's dive into the next 4 things she has to say on the topic:
12 Simple ways to Have Better Sex Tonight
5. Strike a Pose Together
Dave thought...Huh? This bitch wants me to hop back into the 80's and "vogue" with my woman? No...sorry...that is a part of the 80's that should be dead. Strike a pose? Yeah...bend over the couch and I'll take a pic while I am...well...you know.
Her thought...actually I like what she says here, "Bending your body into different postions makes you stronger and more flexible, which can lead to better sex". Then she fucks it up by telling the woman to sign the guy up for yoga lessons too.
Gals...if you can bend over enough to lick your own crotch then I promise you...we will be MORE than happy. We don't need yoga...maybe some Viagra to make sure we can keep going for all of the positions you can bend into...but that's about it.
6. Pick Up The Phone
Dave thought...Hell Yeah!! This ain't no game show baby but you can phone a friend...as long as she is female and isn't so big that she has her own zip code.
Her thought...don't do "sexting" which I guess is sending nasty thoughts through text messages...talk dirty on the phone.
Women...look...we want dirty talk in person. On the phone is shit. Nobody has alot of fun playing with themselves while the other is saying nasty crap. Just come over...grab us by the back of the hair and say, "I want you to fuck the shit outta me".
Trust me...ALOT better results
7. Try Some New Products
Dave thought...ok...cause trust me babe just because it is called "Easy Off" doesn't mean it works in the bedroom.
Her thought...well pretty simple...by some KY jelly crap and see what happens.
Never understood why that stuff is named after the state I grew up in.
8. Skip the Small Talk
Dave thought...sure! If you want sex...just do it...talk is cheap anyway.
Her thought...Buy some stupid crap called "Lifestories" for $30 off of Amazon.
Well folks...that is all I can muster up tonight...9-12 coming soon. But guys please tell your women that these magazines are pointless!!
Untill then, once again a look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.
Dave
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Songs and Feelings
Sorry that it has been a bit, and I promise to finish the article. Can't do it right now because I am at the parent's house baby sitting their dogs while they galavant in California. They get beaches...I get the nastiest farts blown my way that you can imagine. I swear one of the ones the boxer let last night, and no sound mind you...this fucker has ninja shit going on, almost fused my left eye closed. To all you dog lovers...ya'll must like that aroma...but that shit ain't for me. I'll scoop a litter box in a heartbeat rather than be watching the tv and out of nowhere with no warning the toxic fumes of deviled eggs left in the sun for four hours slaps me in the face. That shit right there will almost make you call the dumb friends league and swear you just found his ass wandering down the street.
Ok. So I was screwing around on youtube and looking at the top 40 hits of the 80's by months and all and realized that we really put alot of feelings and memories into songs from our growing years. I mean I was born in 1972...and all I really remember from the 70's was listening to Smothers Brothers albums, the BeeGees, a little John Denver, and my two favorite songs ( please don't ask me why ) Cystal Gayle's "Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue", and Paul Simon's "Slip Sliding Away". Later in my life "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" would hold a more potent meaning.
But the 80's was my decade. MTV played music...what the fuck happened to that channel? The British Pop Invasion, the "one hit wonders", the "hair bands"...even soppy ol' Lionel Richie and all of the couple skate songs he cranked out.
Those "couple skate" songs hit home alot. Makes ya think about who you were going with at the time...well for that week. I never had a "steady" girlfriend. I was like that old bull in the joke, "Let's walk down...and fuck 'em all". But life in the 80's was so less complicated.
But the songs, you hear Tears For Fears and by God you will be singing, or Skid Row's horrible song "Youth Gone Wild" and if you are in the car people will see ya banging your head. I mean I can't even help but sing to the song I thought was the absolute worst "Mr Roboto" by Styx. And ya think back to where you first heard it, or maybe a special moment...hopefully "Mr Roboto" is not linked to any sexual experience for ya'll...otherwise you all are the twisted fucks and should be writing this blog and I am actually normal! And we all know that ain't the truth.
I took a History of Rock and Roll class at ACC ( which Metro did not let transfer ) and had to make my case on the difinitive song from the 80's...I mean Buffalo Springfield's song "For What It's Worth" is the song of the 60's, the BeeGees "Staying Alive" is the 70's, and Tears for Fears "Everbody Wants To Rule The World" is the 80's. My teacher didn't agree...I asked him what was and he couldn't answer so I said by God then mine is right.
Oh well...hopefully you all will comment a little on songs of the 80's or 70's...break up songs...party songs...just whatever.
Till next time a small look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.
Dave
Ok. So I was screwing around on youtube and looking at the top 40 hits of the 80's by months and all and realized that we really put alot of feelings and memories into songs from our growing years. I mean I was born in 1972...and all I really remember from the 70's was listening to Smothers Brothers albums, the BeeGees, a little John Denver, and my two favorite songs ( please don't ask me why ) Cystal Gayle's "Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue", and Paul Simon's "Slip Sliding Away". Later in my life "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" would hold a more potent meaning.
But the 80's was my decade. MTV played music...what the fuck happened to that channel? The British Pop Invasion, the "one hit wonders", the "hair bands"...even soppy ol' Lionel Richie and all of the couple skate songs he cranked out.
Those "couple skate" songs hit home alot. Makes ya think about who you were going with at the time...well for that week. I never had a "steady" girlfriend. I was like that old bull in the joke, "Let's walk down...and fuck 'em all". But life in the 80's was so less complicated.
But the songs, you hear Tears For Fears and by God you will be singing, or Skid Row's horrible song "Youth Gone Wild" and if you are in the car people will see ya banging your head. I mean I can't even help but sing to the song I thought was the absolute worst "Mr Roboto" by Styx. And ya think back to where you first heard it, or maybe a special moment...hopefully "Mr Roboto" is not linked to any sexual experience for ya'll...otherwise you all are the twisted fucks and should be writing this blog and I am actually normal! And we all know that ain't the truth.
I took a History of Rock and Roll class at ACC ( which Metro did not let transfer ) and had to make my case on the difinitive song from the 80's...I mean Buffalo Springfield's song "For What It's Worth" is the song of the 60's, the BeeGees "Staying Alive" is the 70's, and Tears for Fears "Everbody Wants To Rule The World" is the 80's. My teacher didn't agree...I asked him what was and he couldn't answer so I said by God then mine is right.
Oh well...hopefully you all will comment a little on songs of the 80's or 70's...break up songs...party songs...just whatever.
Till next time a small look into the mind of YOUR friendly neighborhood comic.
Dave
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